Did You Ever Have that Feeling?
3:07 AM
Sometimes I get the feeling that I am a bad wife. No, not in any kind of harmful or destructive way... just in a way where I feel like I'm not the wife I "should be." Being deployed keeps me busy, but also gives me a lot of time to think. Especially at night, when my Nate isn't around for me to talk to. All that I am left with is my thoughts. Now I know I do a lot for my husband, and he is the first thing on my mind every day when I wake up and the last thing before bed. However sometimes I feel like I'm not there enough. Like I can't commit as much time or energy as I would like to to him and our relationship. I can't have dinner ready for him when he gets home from work at night. I can't take care of the finances and household things right now. And unfortunately,I can't hug him goodbye before he leaves for his deployment. I just can't do all the same things that I feel like other wives can. That makes me feel helpless and like my life is out of my control. Which, technically it is. The only thing that makes me feel better about this situation is that I know Nate is ok with all of it. If he gets home from work before me, he makes dinner. If I'm not there to take care of the finances and household things, then he is the one setting up allotments and making sure the electricity is shut off for the year. And let me tell you... that hug he gave me before I left for deployment was the best hug I have ever received. I think when I lay down before bed tonight, I will think about that.
Let me tell you, after meeting you only once, I know you're an amazing woman. You are so much more than most wives are, and I'm sure you contribute more than necessary. I'm so happy for Nate, having found such an amazing person he shares so much in common with, and can be himself with. You're one of the people I'm proud to call family. Don't be so hard on yourself, don't sweat the small stuff. Being married in a "spouses military" relationship is not easy, so just remember to be thankful for the little things. If his hugs make you feel that way, who cares who makes dinner!! At the end of the day, if you are the last thing on eachothers mind... your world is okay :)
Be safe, I'd like to see you more!
Sorry about the foot, but keep on keeping on!